Active Listening – 5 Basic Steps To Unlock The Hidden Power

Have you ever had a conversation like this? “Hi! How are you?” “I’m ok, just got back from the doctor, had some blood tests done…”, “Oh yes, I need to go see my doctor again, you know he is so good – he was so quick to pick up that I have an iron deficiency, so I need to keep getting checked to make sure it’s ok………”.

They are incredibly common, sometimes infuriating and at other times downright annoying. You start to tell people about what is happening to you and it can feel like they don’t care. Which is really confusing because why would they ask how you are if they really didn’t care? Perhaps they just don’t know how to listen.

There are two types of listening – passive and active.

The example above is passive.  We often engage with passive listening when we are preoccupied, tired, stressed, and bored.

Active listening is exactly that – active.  It can feel exhausting – mentally and physically. Though the power it has to create deeper relationships is incomprehensible.

How can we make sure we use active listening with those around us?

Well it is harder than you might think, though like riding a bike it gets easier the more you practise.

To start you off with the basics, here are 5 steps to using active listening:

1. Self-care: This is a big one – it is kind of like preparing the canvas to paint on – it is foundational to active listening. We cannot use energy that we don’t have. This means we need to have adequate sleep, healthy diet, good exercise, an organised to-do list, and a healthy thought-life.  To have a healthy thought-life means we need to attend to our feelings (using these 5 steps for ourselves).

2. Respect: We need to respect the other person. If we don’t, the following steps won’t happen. In the example, it felt like the listener did not respect the speaker. It can speak volumes. What does it mean to respect someone? It means we see them as important, regardless of how much we might disagree with their point of views or lifestyle choices.  Acceptance does not have to mean approval.

3. Focus: We need to be able to put distractions aside in order to listen to the other person. This means we need to put the phone on silent or off (if you are waiting for an important call, let the other person know so they can anticipate being interrupted), turn off the TV, if there are children around remind them how to respectfully get your attention (quietly saying excuse me please), and very importantly have a quiet mind. Thoughts can be the biggest distractors which is where the self-care comes in. If you are looking after yourself, your thoughts won’t have the need to rudely interrupt.

4. Desire to learn: We need to want to listen to the other person. They are important (as highlighted in respect), and we can demonstrate that by wanting to learn about them – from them. This is a much more effective way of learning than through gossip. Motivate a desire to learn within you; though don’t limit yourself to what you are already interested in – desire to learn about everything.  This way, you won’t find yourself being bored in conversation and losing your focus.

5. Empathy: This is not to be confused with sympathy. Empathy is active, sympathy is passive.  Empathy involves looking at the situation at hand and demonstrating respect towards the other person by communicating that you appreciate the implications involved in what they are talking about.  It is hard to communicate your awareness of their situation if you do not have empathy. In order to communicate empathy, we need to again give ourselves some attention.

We need to build our feelings vocabulary so that we can substitute what words the speaker has used for others that mean the same or may even be a little more on target to what they are actually feeling.  We can do this through reading novels (a safe place to really feel what the character is feeling), and recognising what we are feeling – using active listening on ourselves will help us to become more aware of what feelings are what and the subtle differences involved.  There are also plenty of feeling vocabulary lists on the internet, search for some and practise becoming more familiar with them.

There is a lot more that goes into the art of active listening, however you will notice changes within your relationships if you carry out these 5 steps.  

Happy listening!

Written by:

Jessica Mannion – Assistant Director – Diploma – Distance Education Program (DEP).   Cred. Grad. Cert. in Family Therapy, Grad Member CCAA, Provisional Member PACFA – 22436

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