Effective Communication For Conflict Resolution

Communication skills can be used for building up relationships rather than tearing them down with our; anger, words and actions.  Effective communication requires; respect, grace, empathy, active listening for adding value to the person being heard.  The list below has a few dos and don’ts of effective communication for conflict resolution.

WAIT FOR THE RIGHT TIMING
Chances are when the person you’re having a relationship with is feeling sick, angry, is busy or has had a bad day; he or she will not be ready to listen. Find the appropriate time when you will have their full attention.  This will ensure that you’re being heard, and that your message will be received.

USE ACTIVE LISTENING
When communicating with one another use eye contact, posture/body language, and face the person by sitting nearby to focus on what the other person has to say. This is done without interruptions, fidgeting or looking around the room.  Active listening is respectful.  It adds value to the person being heard. To check our level of understanding practice paraphrasing what has been said when the person has stopped talking.  With practice active listening becomes easier.  Read aifc’s 5 Basic Steps to Active Listening.

SHARE ON DEEP-FEELING LEVEL (ASSERTIVENESS)
Be assertive when sharing on an emotional level without being too forceful or too passive. Own your feelings.  It also means to be authentically you by being mindful and by holding your peace while maintaining a caring attitude towards others.  Make eye contact, admit your own faults and take responsibility. Do not belittle the other person. Read aifc’s, Assertive, Aggressive and Passive Communication Styles.

NO INTERRUPTIONS EXCEPT FOR CLARIFICATION
Use active listening skills as above. Listen carefully to what the other person has to say without saying a word until it is our turn to speak, where there will be room to ask questions. Wait for the right timing.

EQUAL TIME TO EACH FOR SHARING
Using active listening without interruptions except for clarification, allow for equal time for both sides to be heard. Each individual needs to feel heard and valued.

NO STOMPING OUT IN ANGER
Leaving the conversation in anger by stomping out is like giving up that there will ever be a chance to resolve the matter. The trick is to calm ourselves down and listen where possible.

NO WITHDRAWING IN SILENCE
Even when we don’t like what the other person has to say we need to use assertiveness to communicate our feelings without withdrawing into awkward silence nor going the opposite way by becoming aggressive. Use the ‘I’ statements as below to express yourself rather than using silence to communicate hurts.

USE I, NOT YOU OR WE STATEMENTS
To own our feelings use language like, “When you do this I feel….” rather than using, “you make me feel like this when….” which sounds like an accusation. Blaming others for the way we feel is not taking responsibility for ourselves. Instead use language like, “I feel like [insert feeling] when you say or do [add action or words].”

NO GLOBAL STATEMENTS (ALWAYS, NEVER)
Example: You never take the rubbish out. I’m sick of it! (Hubby may have forgotten once or twice). Or, “You always leave the front door open!”  The best option is to keep reminding them to do what they need to do and the benefits there of.  Only when needing to express our feelings we use the ‘I’ statements, as above.
E.g. I feel valued when you do your chores.  A house takes a lot of work to keep in order. There aren’t enough hours in the day for only one person to do it all. With each of us pulling our weight it makes for a cleaner and happier home environment.

KEEP TO THE HERE AND NOW
Digging up the past in our conversations, arguments or conflicts can backfire to go against what we are actually trying to achieve.  The whole point of communication is that one person talks and the other listens.  When dredging up the past makes a person become defensive, they have stopped listening. We need to keep it in the present and focus on the subject at hand.

NO QUICK ADVICE
Avoid giving quick advice, even if we know the solution to another person’s problem. Giving quick advice shows that we really aren’t giving our full attention to what they have to say, and we’re not valuing the other person.

NO JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
Jumping to conclusions is a bias often referred to as ‘inference-observation confusion’ or in Layman’s terms, ‘a communication obstacle’ occurring when we make up our mind before we have all the facts. By doing so we miss out on obtaining the full picture. To avoid jumping to conclusions, use active listening skills with loads of empathy without interrupting.

NO QUICK JUDGEMENTS
When listening to others, the trick is to remain neutral by absorbing what they have to say in its entirety before making up our minds. Quick judgements are a barrier to communication. Using empathy and our active listening skills is recommended.

NO JUDGING MOTIVES (BE GENEROUS)
Judging the motives of others is another communication obstacle to be avoided. Allowing others to openly express themselves without being judged for whatever reason is a courtesy, giving the other person dignity with the freedom to be open.

BE PATIENT AND QUICK TO FORGIVE
None of us are exempt from making the most silliest of mistakes. We all make them. Forgiveness is about being able to move on past a certain point in our own lives. We can easily develop a bitter root and become stuck in our relationships without forgiveness.  Find out How to Forgive here.  Or learn about How forgiveness is Tied to Our Own Mental Health.

Sandra Ciminelli
Cred. Dip.Couns. (Christian)

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